Petraeus and the Woman shall be pilloried for three consecutive days before the event. They shall be watered but not fed. FBI Inquisitor Fredrick Humphries shall be carried by able men and tossed from the 14th Street Bridge into the River Potomac. If he can swim, he is free to escape to the far side into permanent banishment.
The Farmer’s Almanac indicates that the weather should be clear, and Nostradamus predicted that the Stoning will be punctual. The official Witchdoctor from Kenya rolled chicken bones, and predicted a timely execution. Punxsutawney Phil said that it will be a day like any other.
FBI Inquisitor Fredrick Humphries sent a shirtless photograph of himself to the married woman Jill Kelley, who complained about the adulteress Broadwell, which led the Inquisitors back to Petraeus.
The maximum time for the Petraeus Quick Stoning is 10 minutes. If the sentence is not completed within 10 minutes, the 5-ton Wrecking Ball of Mercy shall be released to complete the sentence in accordance with decency and compassion.
After the event, the used Stones shall again be auctioned for full and perpetual ownership, along with an official certificate of authenticity. No body parts or fluids shall be auctioned, though bloodied Stones shall be auctioned at a premium.
Criminals shall be pilloried in celebration for seven days in the top 100 cities
The woman Broadwell shall remain pilloried and present during the Quick Stoning. Selected criminals shall be pilloried around Washington, and by the courthouses of the top 100 cities of the Republic, to strike terror into the hearts of evildoers. A fine of $10 shall be levied against anyone striking or tossing a Stone at the pilloried criminals. (This is expected to raise significant revenue.)
After General Petraeus’s Quick Stoning, it must be determined if the woman Broadwell is a Temptress, or a Witch, and this shall be performed in the normal manner, in the River Potomac, from the 14th Street Bridge.
Distraction hanging
Before the woman is tested, the Federal Bureau of Inquisition (FBI) shall perform a distraction using a criminal, who shall be hanged from the bridge, as is customary. The rope shall be cut, and as the current carries the body away, the Devil will be distracted as he steals the soul, allowing several minutes for Witch testing.
Without distraction, the presence of the Devil may render a false reading by lifting the body of a woman to the surface, who may be a Temptress, or just a Wretch or Wench, as are all women in their evil cores. There is good in every man, but only God knows which women contain rare traces worthy of redemption.
During a recent Witch trial, a Federal Inquisitor was stricken dead by curse.
If the woman Broadwell floats, she will of course be judged to be a Witch. To minimize risk of transport and escape, the Witch shall be burned upon the same bridge, using a fuel of collected driftwood and seized pornography, with her ashes poured into the River Potomac under the cover of darkness.
At least 12 hours shall transpire between her execution and that of General Petraeus, to allow the man’s soul plenty of head start. Otherwise the ghost of Broadwell shall with its evil determinations and emulations seek and find him, damning his soul to perpetual torment. The woman Broadwell is a very fit runner, and so the soul of Petraeus will need advantage if it is to rest in peace.
Newspapers shall run stories of justice rendered.
If the woman Broadwell drowns and is thus discovered not to be a Witch, she shall be revived and dragged behind a black gelding to the Supreme Courthouse of the Elders. A stallion may not be used, lest a Temptress use her powers to persuade the stallion to aid her in escape. It displeases the people when they must Stone a horse.
The woman Broadwell is a dangerous beast and must remain shackled. Inquisitors shall carry pistols loaded with silver bullets.
The woman Broadwell’s body shall be examined for piercings, tattoos, enhancements of the lips or of the curved regions, or other permanent defilements to the human body such as straightening of the teeth. If ruinations are found, she shall be judged guilty of despoiling a Temple of God.
If the woman Broadwell is found to use impermanent pollutions such as perfumes, or paints for finger or toenails, or colored contact lenses, which are known to perturb the hearts of good men, she shall be judged a Temptress who practiced seduction, but not special magic.
If she employed premeditated Temptations, the man shall be considered innocent and a prayer shall be said for his accosted soul and for his natural goodness, so that the man shall not be damned for eternity, and so he may rest in peace if he can escape the ghost of the woman Broadwell.
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