To strike a blow against Temptation, the unholy Muslims use acids to dissolve the lures of a Temptress, along with cutting off her nose, lips or ears. Such actions are permissible and not considered defilements of God’s work.
Mirrors and a woman’s beauty are the work of Satan. Mirrors are Satan’s windows, and women who talk to mirrors whisper directly into his ear. “Who is the fairest of them all?” The Devil is quick to answer, “You are the fairest my dear. Now go fetch a man’s soul for my appetites!” Satan invested especial effort creating the woman Broadwell, for he needed many powerful baits in collusion to entice the man Petraeus to taste the poison honey.
The events will take the minds of the masses off of the endless war in Afghanistan, the debacle in Benghazi, the crime and unemployment at home, and the irony that Baltimore is more dangerous than Kabul.
Counter-beautification measures are known to defeat the spell cast by beauty, and shall be considered despite their association with Muslims. If the woman is deemed to be a Temptress, she shall face the blade, then the acid, before the Stoning, so that final public memories of her disfigurement shall be burned into every eye cast upon her.
Her punishment shall be broadcast live on all television stations. (The Stoning of the man shall not be broadcast.)
Two men shall be hanged in each of the top 100 cities
During the natural intermission caused by the final testing for Witch-ness, and the trial for Temptation, eighty military officers of no special name or circumstance shall be nominated by the Federal Inquisitors for lynching. The Inquisitors shall nominate the selectees by randomly reading postal letters.
The Inquisitors possess the authority to read personal letters after good Americans decided that it was wise to surrender their unholy freedoms back to the Trusted Elders, and to the Nine Wise Men, who can more properly hold trials in secret, which lifts a heavy burden from the public, and ensures security and perfect justice in all cases.
The Inquisitors are today randomly inspecting bags of mail to and from the Pentagon and military bases worldwide, in order to nominate the lynching candidates. The General John Allen is suspected, but he is a man of consequence and he shall be saved for another day. There is also the practical matter that he is deployed to war and must be fetched for punishment if he is convicted of any wrongdoing.
The Great Hanging of military officers shall take place in Washington on the same day. Audience participation is encouraged.
This lynching is not an attempt by the Trusted Elders, or by the Nine Wise Elders, to distract attention from other matters, or by the Inquisitors of the FBI to draw attention from its bewitched agent Humphries, who was Tempted by a married woman, who appears to be a Witch, or at minimum a Temptress, causing the agent of the Holy FBI to become smitten even while he investigated her dirtiness. She claimed diplomatic immunity, and Ambassadorship, and so at minimum was using the implements of disguise. She shall be dealt with in due course.
Citizens who attempt to disrupt the events shall be admonished en masse.
The intermission lynching is for the enjoyment of the mob, and to keep them entertained while the woman Broadwell is tested for Witchcraft and examined for Temptations. Any speculation that the lynchings are for any other purpose invites mail reading and public pillory, or other forms of discipline.
To assure the safety of the mob, no Stones shall be tossed during the live entertainment. The event shall begin with customary ostracization (profanity is punishable by fine), followed by a normal gauntlet. For safety, bullwhips are not permitted (they are by any means impractical in the gauntlet).
Horse crops, pinching, slapping and punching are permitted. Gawkers should refrain from the gauntlet to allow room for participants. Cameras are permitted during all events, assuming that common courtesy is observed. Official photographers will be present. Photographs will be distributed to all newspapers. Journalists are encouraged to swarm upon the story and with piranha-like fervor.
No torture shall be allowed during the lynching, which will end in a merciful hanging. Commemorative postcards will be printed on site, and will be available for immediate sale.
In case of the Special Stoning of the woman Broadwell, one ton of projectiles shall be provided without charge. The projectiles shall be small cat-eye playing marbles, and pieces of jagged coral and oyster shells, taken from dead ocean reefs.
Double throws will be permitted. Slingshots will be strictly prohibited. The Wrecking Ball of Mercy shall not be employed. Special Stonings of Women typically last for 10 to 12 hours.
The woman Broadwell shall be properly buried before Stoning
Personal projectiles are forbidden. Used projectiles may be taken as keepsakes, free of charge. Proper attire is expected. No shorts, no sandals.
Upon completion, the body of the Woman shall be set upon a bonfire, followed by fireworks and libations.
Please see this video of a recent stoning.
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